The Shadow Of Her Smile

Note: Dedicated to Chinnu...!!!!

So many a  thoughts  rushed  to  my  mind  as I was staring at  the silence engulfed,  darkness  embraced  night….but  a  thought,  lay  hidden  and  safe  even  this  moment……

‘The vision of my heart cannot be restricted unlike the eye’s

 Everything that can be heard by the heart is deaf to ears

 Things that can be felt by my heart are out-of-reach to my touch’

‘how true’ I said  to  myself  as I kept  glancing  into  the  darkness  of  the  street  end  … i  gazed  at  the  empty  road  and  the  flickering  street  lamps, I  upped  my  collar  to  race –up  against  the  heavy  tide  of  the  winds..

“so heard from her recently?” asked  Namrata , my good friend, handing me a cup of lemon tea

 “do you expect her to reward me with such Godly courtesy?? …., I pity you Nams” I replied, fainting a smile on my lips

 

“So the stakes remain un-changed” said a familiar voice.. “any news?” he continued

I turned around to find Siddarth, sipping coffee from his favourite black mug with Sachin’s autograph on it.

“Tomorrow’s her birthday” I said, looking at the distant sparkling stars

“soo, wishing her?” questioned Namrata with a curious look of a purring cat when it finds milk.

“I already…hmmm….wished her….” I said keeping my voice as low as possible.. but I couldn’t cheat a girl, a girl’s ear is always sensitive even to a pin-drop-noise

“whattttttt….its not even 12am you damn idiot…!!” shouted both of them at me , and were glaring at me as though I had disturbed them in the middle of their snogging.

"yes, I know , but the thing is.. I don’t know whether she likes me or hates me, the more closer I try to get to her, the gap between us widens.

Its been months since her last text

If she hates me, I don’t want to spoil her feelings by wishing her on her birthday”

I could notice nothing but an ocean of silence all-round.

“you all think there is soo much of understanding between us for me to love her this much..

Let me tell you,

Even now, I don’t know much about her… I don’t know even her favourite colour…I don’t know her hobbies…I don’t know howz her relationship with her family members….”

I stood silent for a while clutching the tea-cup a little more tighter

I continued , “what I know is all are the names of her three besties…A little past of hers.. Even to this day, I never saw her personally…

Yet if you ask me what’s all this, I have no answer

Feelings Have No Logics”

They were blank, they were looking pale… it was as if our minds are linked with a bridge of silence.

“Harsha, I have no hard feelings for her, but I think she is just a phase in your life, its time to take a break” said Siddarth, tapping on my back.

“phase??..phase??

What do you know what’s she to me, to term her as a ‘phase’

If you believe in fate , she is my destiny

If you believe in heart, she is my love

If you believe in mind , she is my instinct

If you believe in anything , she is my everything”

I was agitated and breathless for a few moments

My voice began to shatter, I was cold below my knees, my tongue went dry, yet my love for her made me speak out

“we may not be together now, but I always look for the day we do…

Its not that I would die if I don’t have her..its just.., I don’t want to live without my heart”

My hands were trembling, Namrata caught hold of me and pulled a chair for me to rest.

“Siddarth…, the love I have for her is not the love that starts with a rose and ends in bed…

My love for her is truly selfish..

I am selfish to have her to myself

To have her in every moment of the life I live

To give her my heart, which is though with me, but beats for her

To dedicate her the music of my heart-beat, which is aching for her

To make her the princess of my world, and to be ruled with her love

But she always showed me the value of infinity, and the meaning of eternity by staying so close to my heart and yet so far from my embrace

She may not know how I felt for her, but, when she needs me, I am always there for her like the stars on the rainy day.., she may not see me , but I am always there for her..”

My voice shimmered and was lost into the darkness of the night..!!

I could feel the gentle trickle of water on my cheeks from my eyes..

When I turned around to face Namrata and Siddarth, everything looked misty.. I rubbed my eyes and was astonished to find a pack of 9 people witnessing my heart’s tears.

I was numb, couldn’t speak a word.., I silently started walking away to find my way through, to the stairs..

Those people I left behind…., were whispering something.. I couldn’t understand everything…, but I heard something…

“I don’t know who she is… I don’t know where she is …but as long as he loves her, she will always have smiles round her…

He is always, and, will be, ….. ‘The Shadow Of Her Smile’  ”

Spell Of Magic

       I still remember the rush of the adrenalin in my blood, as i still remember the freshness of this day in my beaming pile of memories...

This was the day, when my dream walked into reality..!!
                                                                                                                     

This was the day, when my heart truly started to beat..!!

This was the day, when my words started to blur..!!

This was the day, when my silence meant something more..!!

This was the day, when my feelings grew beyond expressions..!!

This was the day, when you lit up my life with your gracious presence..!!

This was the day, when the words “WE” came into existence..!!

What can i say about ‘my princess’ , who wiped out the word ‘boredom’ out of my life.

                Everytime, i look into your eyes , i hear your voice , and feel your presence ,.. a very special feeling rises up deep inside my heart. Its a feeling, a feeling of being safe and secure, an assurance of a long lasting togetherness till the time holds still. The innocent smile on your face makes me forget all the pains, and the warmth of your affection wipes away all my fears.

                Even the tiniest thing you do for me has a world of affection in it. Deep within me i feel divine, when i am with you, no words can describe that feeling. I love the feel of loving you, loving you gives a meaning to the word ‘LOVE’, without you, its just a four letter word for me.

                How more can my heart describe you?? ... words started to run away from my heart, giving space to ‘our countless memories’ , with feelings beyond words , and love which my heart couldn’t bear alone...!! The white sheets started smiling at me, as the ink has dried up..., but not the love for you...

                                      “what SPELL OF MAGIC have you casted on me??”


with love,
your love... <3 <3

NOTE : DEDICATED TO DINA :) :)

WITH YOU FOREVER

Every time you come near, u slip away...

This fragile feeling.

I close my eyes, just like on that day,

The time came to a stop.

A recurring dream and fond memories,

I wont forget nor will I live in the past,

I wont throw anything away,

As you are my everything.

Ur my love redefined,

With beauty personified.

You’ve got a smile that takes me to a place,

Where everything in this crazy world disappears.

You are neither my crystal princess

nor i love u like my 1st daughter

i love in such a way,

even the princess envies u,
and, even my daughter complains to her mom(you only).

and in such a way,
even the words go dumb to explain.

Your memories are mine for now,

And u r mine for years to come,

As I am gonna be "WITH YOU FOREVER".

dedicated to Manju, my barbie doll

A Proposal Without ‘I Love You'

Note: penned down verbatim from my dairy as on February 7^th 2011.

I and Amit (name changed) were talking on the terrace, as the moon is raising its horizons.

“so how did your proposal go?” he asked me casually looking at a girl in the neighboring house

But i was dumb struck, as I never told anyone of this..

“how did u come to know of it??” I asked in a bit of shock, unable to take my eyes off him

“Harsha , I am your best friend, I can read through your heart,

U may conceal your feeling within your eyes and your spoken words , but you cant hide in your articles” said Amit grinning at me.

He paused for a moment and continued again..

“so did u propose to her???” he said looking straight into my eyes..

“yes” i said plainly

“did u say her ‘I LOVE YOU’ ??” he spontaneously shot back

“no, she is not worth to say that !!” I said looking at the stars and the moon.

“what the hell, can u explain me all this crap???” he shouted at me

I took a deep breath..

“ I Love You, ‘is it a promise?’ or ‘is it a feeling?’ or ‘is it an answer’

   For me its just 8 letters , 3 words which fail to explain my deep rooted feelings.

   Yes, what u heard is right, it fails to explain my feelings”

I stood up on my feet, kept my hand over my heart and

“how does it feel, when some one enters your heart and makes it better place..

 How does it feel, when someone does a lifetime magic to you..

 How does it feel, when you cant explain her how much you want her...

 These feelings cant be told in just 8 letters...!!!”

As I said those my voice began to stammer, he reached out to me , tapped my shoulder and said “cool down!!!”

“I want to grow old with her

  I want to enjoy the evening walk with her on the beach

 I want to fight with her for a chocolate

 I want the tiny bits of happiness

 I want her to scold me

 I want her to beat me for my mischief

 I want her to give me a ride on her scooty, in between the ride i want to tickle her

 Can 3 words explain all these Amit???”

“Harsha , you are getting emotional” said Amit.

“Amit,

  I want to have the freshness of her breath in my nostrils.

  I want to sit in the open along with her, her right hand in my left hand, and watch the full                           moon.

  How can i explain, in those 3 words that, how my heart deceived me, by staying within me but beating for her

  I want to kiss her on her forehead, then the to breathe in the aroma of her kumkum sticking on my lips after i kiss her...can anything in the world explain that feeling

  When she lays her head over my chest, i will rest my head over hers, then her oil gently touching my cheek, and the closeness at that moment...can anything explain that

When we walk together side by side on the beach, even the beach is soo envious of our love, that it carefully washes away our footprints into its heart..

Can this love be explained in just those 8 letters, 3 words ‘I LOVE YOU’ ????

Tell Amit..tell??? “

he took my mobile at once and was doing something..

“what are you doing??” i asked

“i want to see that lucky girl...” he said

“her pic wont be in the mobile...” i said smiling

“why??” he shouted in vain

“I have her in my eyes..in every thought..in every breath..in every wish..in every dream..in every passing second, should I again keep her in my mobile??” I asked softly

“Harsha u are always a never ending mystery to me,but she is damn lucky to have you

This is the first time I heard of A PROPOSAL WITHOUT ‘I LOVE YOU’ “
DEDICATED TO MY LUCKY...., MY SWEETEST CUTEST BARBIE I EVER HAD..THIS IS TO YOU ASHWINI...

THE FIRST SUNRISE

once in a life time , when u look into some ones eyes it feels like the world stops turning at once.

did any one feel it??

anyone who felt the touch of heaven in their lives will know how that feels

i still remember the freshness of that day in my memories

26th october 2006,around 8 pm..

i was sitting outside on the wall and looking at the full moon, facing the stair case leading to 1st floor

next ten minutes what hapPened was something beyond words that tURNed my world upside down..

while my eyes kept admiring the beAuty of the full moon and the glittering stars,  heard a sweet music of tiny bells. i searched around only to enjoy more disappointment.

then i saw someone tipping down the steps carefully..

i couldn’t see her face, as her wet curly hair were dancing madly to the tune of the wind

she caught all the hair falling on the front in one go and was gently tucking them at the back of her ear

what happened then was still afresh in my eyes,i etched those moments in the deepest depths of my heart to carry it to my grave

for the first time, she lifted her head...her calm eyes and her glossy look made my heart skip a beat

and her half smile at the edge of her lips..wow, “ this smile is mine” i said to myself..and i carried that smile safe to my heart

I felt like i was in the middle of some fairy tale, with erasing deadlines...

i was soo mesmerised seeing her, i tripped off the wall and fell on my fours.

it took a few deep breaths to calm down myself, and my eyes automatically found their way back to her..

she was carefully stepping down the stairs.. with her left hand holding the railing side by, for support and her right hand holding her hair in place.

the bells in her chunni, and the sound of her anklets... produced a soft music which struck my ears like our wedding bells.

the blossoming rose flower pots on either side of the steps looked like tiny tiny angels guiding paving path for my angel toward me.

'YOU' ARE MY DOWN TO EARTH ANGEL.

'YOU' HAVE THE FRESHNESS OF THE MORNING DEW, GLISTENING WITH THE GOLDEN FLASH OF THE FIRST RAYS OF THE SUN, WITH THE TENDERNESS OF A BUDDING ROSE, SHINING FOREVER WITH THE OIL OF MY FIRST LOVE

THAT WAS THE MOMENT, THAT WAS THEN... WHEN THE SECONDS HAND IN MY WATCH FORGOT TO TICK

I ENGRAVED THIS IMAGE OF HERS, BEHIND MY EYES, WHERE EVEN TEARS CANT WASH THEM AWAY.

SHE WAS A DOWN TO EARTH, ENGRAVED OUT OF PEARL, DIPPED IN THE OCEAN ON MILK, FINE TUNED WITH THE SOFTNESS OF THE ROSES.

SHE CAME WALKING TO ME LIKE THE ANGEL OF MY DREAMS..

It was then I DECIDED, “I WANT NOTHING ELSE, BUT HAVE YOU TO MYSELF..YOUR LOVE IS ALL I WANT”

She extended those lips to her dimples, making me smile with her..

And then she spoke “hi harsha..i am shravya”

I CAN FEEL THE LOVE I FELT FOR ‘YOU’ THAT DAY WAS NOT JUST FOR A MINUTE..NOR IT WAS JUST A FANTASY..IT WAS FOR A TRUE TIME...

 

“MAKE THE MAGIC RULE, AND LET THE MIRACLE STAY” WAS ALL I KEPT ON PRAYING GOD FROM THAT DAY

THAT DAY I MADE A PROMISE TO ‘YOU’ IN MY HEART MAKING MY LOVE FOR ‘YOU’ AS THE LANGUAGE, AND MY SOUL AS A WITNESS THAT, “ I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FORGIVE MYSELF,IF THIS ANGEL EVER DROPS A TEAR..AS LONG AS I LIVE “

AND THE ANGEL WALKED IN MY LYF, BRINGING IN THE LOST COLOURS AS “ THE FIRST SUNRISE” IN MY LIFE

A Shadowy Past

 Its has been 3 long years, since that nightmare happened to me, since Shravs left, since my soul left me.

I couldn’t forget how i sleeplessly tossed on my bed, holding my bed sheet into my fists and my cries escaping into the silence of the dark. With no one to share and no one to feel the way I felt.

Every time I see my wardrobe I couldn’t forget how my shravya played with my shirt buttons.

When ever I comb my hair, I would get a chill shiver down my spine as I missed forever, the soft feel  of  her fingers ruffling through my hair.

Every place where we spent out time together, started to plunge my heart with a silence, a silence more powerful than anything a heart could bear, a feeling which is more crucifying than death itself.

My heart became soo heavy as I couldn’t get those moments back when my angel used to rest her ears on my heart to hear the sound of my heart beat say her name.

I don’t even remember the last time I smiled with my heart, my smile faded away with the passing time, i even remember those words which i say to my shravs “your smile makes me smile” and her smile left me for a true time

Everything  that brought a smile to my face now started torturing me. Here I stand in the world’s most crowded places, alone , motionless , with a deathly smile, and without my shravs my heart is getting worse day by day..so much pain , so much grief that even my tears have dried up. I feel pain and i could feel my heart bleeding, and yet I walk calm with peace as I just crossed a moment that made me far from shravs.

But now I'm all alone,and I can't stop thinkin' of shravs
To hold her in my arms once again Is all I wanna do
I can't stop thinking of her, and I wouldn't even if I could
I keep waking up with dreams of her..always and always
Have anyone felt they way I felt, have anyone felt living is more worse than dying, have anyone lived to die. But I live to die.

Near, far where ever you are, my heart does love you for a lifetime

you will stay forever like this in my heart, though you moved away from me to my memories, like ‘A Shadowy Past’

(dedicated to an idiotic friend of mine who is not responding to me from the past 2 days)

The Beginning Of a New End

Memories keep on blazing with time, heaping like a pile of breaths..

But the memory I share, a three year old one, is till afresh, stirring my blood even today, making my heart a parchment of paper.

           I clearly remember the strike of the midnight hour on my wall clock.                                                                                                                                               Not a second had passed, shravys called me

           “hi baby..happy birthday..!!!”  she said in her most childish voice “what is my baby doing??”       

“thank you darls, where is my gift shravys..??” i said seeing the same moon which she is seeing from her window.

“oh my baby darling, I am giving you the gift which u want the most...” she paused, took a heavy breath, then she sighed.. and she started “iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv...”

and before she could complete those magical words,

I said “no darls, not now, I want you to say it eye to eye”

“ok baby, papa is leaving to B’lore, I will come along with him, and ask him to drop me...ok chweety??”

“love you idiot” I said with a loud laughter

I still remember that laughter has woken up my mom, and she rushed to my room to check if everything was fine.

And i had to cut her call as my friends were also trying on the line.

after all the wishes have ended, I went to my draw and saw the gold ring ,which I kept safe for this moment.

I started to count the seconds as minutes, I don’t know when I zapped into sleep.

“Harsha..Harsha..” someone jolted me back to reality... “Prasad uncle and Shravya are hit with a accident..come on fast..get ready..need to go” said my father in a deep perspiring tone.

“WHAT ...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  I shouted back at my father.. “this is impossible..it can never happen”

“son, there’s nothing much to worry, just a minor scratches, rest everything was fine” assured my father

I raced to my bike and I immediately went to hospital where they were admitted,

My aunt was breaking down to tears.

Doctor said that , my uncle escaped with a few fractures and..and my Shravya is counting minutes.

I was crestfallen, my knees started shaking with coldness, I collapsed on the chairs behind me..

“c-can I-I see he-her” my voice stammered.

“be brave my child” said the Doc tapping my shoulder

I rubbed of my tears, and I started to take heavy steps to the ICU.

What can I see was only a pile of bandages crushed into a bag.

She is wide awake panting, struggling to take breaths. My tears found their own way through my eyes.

She lifted her hand towards me and was telling “co-com” and her fingers trembling.

I immediately rushed to her taking her hand in my two hands and I broke into a million tears.

She called me close

She raised her hand to wipe off my falling tears, she failed to do so, her hand was not responding  

“nothing will happen to you darls, I will do anything to get you back to me” I said crying and kissing her forehead.

“h-hey bab-y do-don’t cry” she said uttering words with highest difficulty “m-my thr-oat is b-burning sweety”

All I could do is to sit and stare at her pain, I was unable to see her in that condition

I was hitting my heart..and I felt something hard in my pocket, ‘MY RING’

I took it out, and I took her blood bathed finger and I encircled the ring around her finger.

I could see hey eyes becoming wet

“hap bday baby..I-I lo-love..................................................”

And before she could complete her words, the mission gave a loud beep..and I lost her to eternity.

I just fell over the ground curling all around , my hands turning into fists and I was sobbing.

Far apart from what was happening, I was still in a vacuum, the truth I faced was too hard to accept.

There were a lot of painful cries all around.

Though I didn’t see what was happening, I could guess what was happening,

I could see her hand over the edge of the bed, I tried to get up from the ground, but was unable to get up, I tumbled down several times..and couldn’t even get up, my legs were trembling

With much effort I stood on my knees, seeing her I was hitting my heart..

“when you wanted to say ‘I LOVE YOU’ I stopped you from saying..and I wanted to hear you went away to a place I could never hear” I said kissing her hand and brought to my heart and rested over there.

3 days over since her burial, I never let anyone take off that ring from her hand. It belongs to her, forever and ever. I know she was not there to the world, but not to me, she gave me a millions of memories to live a life time.

And so her memories ticked off ‘The Beginning of a New End’

(DEDICATED TO CHINNU , FOR GIVING ME HER EAR TO SHARE MY PAIN AND PROVIDING ME HAPPINESS TO LAST FOR...THANQ MY FRIEND)

Where I stand..

THIS IS WHERE I STAND..THIS IS WHERE I STAND
BETWEEN THE LOVE OF COMPANIONS AND THE BETRAYAL OF FRIENDS 

THIS IS WHERE I STAND..THIS IS WHERE I STAND
FIGHTING THE WORLD EVERYDAY TO CREATE A BETTER TOMORROW 

THIS IS WHERE I STAND..THIS IS WHERE I STAND
ONE STEP HIGHER AND ONE STEP CLOSER TO THE JOURNEY TO STARS 

THIS IS WHERE I STAND..THIS IS WHERE I STAND
WITH HOPES AND ASPIRATIONS THAT INSIPRE THE REST


THIS IS WHER I STAND...THIS IS WHERE I STAND
ALONE FROM THE REST..WORKING FOR THE REST

THIS IS WHERE I STAND..BUT WHERE IS THE PLACE U STAND...!!!!

footprints with time

Two young lovers, Walking on the sand,
Gazing at each other, Talking hand in hand,
The prints they leave behind them,
Marking memories of the past,
The long beach laid before them,
Hoping love will last,
The ocean captures the footprints,
And erases them from the shore,
Taking with it remembrances,
And leaving them with more, 

Many years have passed,
Time flies when you're having fun,
And before you know it innocence fades,
And the teen years are done,
Now she's back on the beach,
Except she is alone,
Watching and waiting,
For the love that hadn't grown,
She walks along the ocean,
Two footprints, not four,
Wondering where the laughter went,
Why he didn't love her more,
Then she stops to sit,
And draws his name in the sand,
A celestial stranger comes along,
And reaches out a hand,
Hesitantly she takes it,
And he listens to her cries,
He's been there before,
He's heard many lies,
They decide to walk,
And she follows, not knowing why, 

Love will always be reborn again,
Even if it may die,
She is more cautious than before,
And as she looks back at the footprints,
She smiles seeing not two, but four,
This time will be different,
Her heart trying to say,
Something magical happened,
She felt it the first day,
Something clicked when they touched,
A jolt from inside,
She knew he'd be there always,
If she had something to confide, 

Now here it is twenty years later,
And his love for her,
Is now even greater,
He looks at her like the first time they met,
And despite all the years gone by,
They can never forget,
Those four special footprints,
That are never washed away,
They'll stay forever on her heart,
Until their dying day.

love................

Love....!!!!!

is it a word or a sentence with no full stop..?

i never thought that one person would make such great tremendous change in my life...very tough even to dream....

Why is this happening..something magical..something which happens in one second and remains 4ever...if i had answers for everything..then, there would be no meaning of love...

its something which just find the deepest depths Of the heart to live and pains us when it leaves...

its truly inspiring and soo majestic feeling which i can never leave in my entire life...!!!!!

                       But when it comes to my personal life..i am literally a person who hates the face and the feel of love..

i thought it could never ever touch me...but on august 24 it hit me like a tsunami..may be even more powerful than i could never imagine..

                      Today sitting in the ac two tier coach i never thought in i my life that , memories hurt a lot like this one...i always thought that, at the end of the day good memories only bring us laughing tears..but , this the memory of the person whom i loved soo much only brought me a scar so deep , so mesmerising yet soo painfull...